Monday, July 27, 2015
I really struggled with what to say today. When I was told Claude was not well a few short weeks ago I knew I wanted to speak to his life in the Lord even if I just knew him a few short years. I thought of some great stories to share, and I heard these really great song lyrics that seemed appropriate, and I pictured this moving, emotional essay that would perfectly encapsalate everything I have been feeling for the past few weeks. I thought I could speak these amazing words to him.
I sat down to write that speech a few days ago, and nothing came.
Part of the problem with knowing what to write is knowing what tone to take. I firmly believe that everyone should grieve in their own way. I have grieved in a lot of different ways at a lot of different times for a lot of different reasons. There is pressure - from whom, I don't know - to be brimming with hope and praising God for taking Claude to heaven. But I still want him here. I have my hopeful moments, but I am not without my sorrow. I cannot have spent the past few years with a man like Claude and not be broken to have to say good-bye.
But no one wants to read anything about that.
Then I read a note from one of Mom's dear friends at her passing. Death was a struggle for them. I remember another friend, and when they came close to me, I could feel the loss, and I am sure the loss is great in that church today. Claude was a great man. He was my hero. He was an inspiration to all those who knew him. I'm sorry, but it's going to take me awhile to get over this one. It's going to take a lot of us awhile. And that's okay. Pastor Daviceto Swaby can give his message of hope, the best I can do is tell you where I'm at today. So here goes …
I am reluctant to look at pictures of Claude.
That is a hard thing to do when attending a funeral and you know that you can not even attend. You would not be impressed at the lengths I took to be there over the last few hours. I practically needed to have a handler to make sure I keep everything in perspective.
I am not afraid to remember Claude the way he was. I am not even afraid of crying and breaking down and losing control of my emotions, but I am afraid of loosing those memories. During these last few weeks, I kept reminding myself that the hard times will be overwhelmed by the good times soon enough. I believe this will be true. I have to believe it.
Thankfully, I will not need the pictures to remind me of how he was. I can see him clearly when I close my eyes and draw from the memories I hold dear in my heart. I can see him and Jane in pictures as newlyweds, grinning from ear to ear in their gardens - never happier than to be with each other. I can see Claude helping me to plant raspberries in my garden, beaming with pride. I can see him in his overalls banging nails in the 2 x 6s in our house, standing next to Rene, never giving up hope, in his suit in the front pew at Brockville Church. I can see him in the garden giving tours, thrilled to be sharing the fruits of his labour with everyone that would stop.
When I think back on Claude's life, he was so incredibly happy. To see him share his bible and see a man who needs nothing else in this world.
When I look back at the times spent with him, I see his happiness. I see his joy with his garden, his love for Jane, daughters and his grandchildren, and the light in his eyes. When I look back over our memories, I see myself growing because you see he planted more than seeds in an earthly garden.
I'm sorry I was not there at the end. But at the same time, what a privilege. The Lord gave me several years to learn from the greatest man I have ever known, and it is an honor to carry on his legacy.
I don't know if I am up for it, but I will never stop trying.
He was an incredible businessman - brilliant with his carpentry, diligent in his work ethic, and wise with his money. He taught me that there is more to life than what you do - an occupation can be a way into other people's lives, and when I think of all the lives he has touched through his earthly work, it is simply staggering. He worked every day of his life I decided long ago that I wanted to work and take on the challenges the same way he did for us. It's quite a hard goal to achieve. He was really good at it.
He considered everything good in his life a gift from God, and he gave richly out of what God had given. He was a man of integrity in all he did and generous with all he had. I can only hope to be the same.
I had the privilege of watching him interact with his friends, and I learned what it meant to be faithful, to be purposeful, to be loyal. He laughed with his friends, and he cried with his friends, and he was always there for them, no matter when they needed him or what they needed him for. One thing that has stood out to me in the hours since he has passed is how many different people consider Claude to be one of the most important people in their lives. He lived in such a way - and was a friend to such an extreme - that he changed lives. I don't know if I can be that good a friend, but I will try.
Claude loved the Lord. He was faithful to the church and to his ministries at the Brockville Church, and the Oshawa Church. His faith and the many beautiful ways it manifested itself served as such an example to me. Claude's clearest words I hear in my head during the past few months have been when he was praying to the Lord. He spoke to Him with a natural ease. When everything else was fading away, the one area that always remained was his love of the Lord. I want that for my own life. I want to be so devoted to G-d that when you take everything else away, I remains - just as clear and strong as when I had everything, just as Claude did.
I have seen the way Claude cared forJane. When she was sick, he visited her faithfully in the hospital. When it was hard, he was there. When it was inconvenient, he was there. He didn't have to tell me how much he loved his mother either, he showed us, plainly, with his actions. I like to think that he knew - or maybe it was G-d who knew - that one day that Jane might need the constant, loving embrace of her friends and family and that Claude could show us how by caring for his own mom. I noticed, and I will never give up loving Jane like he loved her or his mother.
Claude was a rock to our home, and we so desperately need one now. I don't make as good a rock as he does. As you can tell, I get emotional way too easily. But it's a role I'm willing to try to embrace, provided I can keep his example close to my heart.
He was such a good mentor to all of us. A while back in his Brockville home, he pulled out pictures from his life, and every single one of them, Claude is beaming from ear to ear. He adored, completely and wholeheartedly. When I think of the way he looked at me, and the way I looked back at him as a father image. I can't help but think of those around Claude and how I want faces to light up the same way mine did when I saw Claude and for people to know they are loved - undeniably, unmistakably, unconditionally. I wish I could ask Claude again, how he did it. I want so badly for him to answer that question.
He loved Jane with all his heart. I cannot even begin to describe the impact their marriage has had on my life. I learned what true love is all about. I learned how I needed to treat my partner, how to love him and care for him, and how to never waver from your commitment to him. His example of being a husband is one that I will never forget. I can only hope to love my husband as much as he loved Jane - to be his everything, to stand by him at all times, to never leave his side.
When experiences like Claude's injury happened, I found myself asking why. Why him? Why now? I don't expect an answer, but that doesn't keep me from asking. Then it comes to my mind, that Claude so aptly taught that only when I take responsibility for creating my own positive outlook, I am able to move on. Victimhood creates an insatiable desire for external support. Claude showed me how to put things into a positive prospective and take responsibilty for my own life.
It's true. It's going to take awhile, but it's true.
The moment is when things are difficult, I will in the future find myself no longer hoping for Claude's return. But that isn't to say that I have stopped wishing I had more time. Having faith that Claude will be spared was only one area where I could prove my faith. I have faith that there is an eternal rest ahead for him, I have hope that he is at peace. I believe that the future holds good things. Asking God to hold Claude close is the prayer that I have prayed most over the past few weeks And I finally got what I wanted. Claude's fraility can not follow him where he is now.
When I needed comfort about death I make myself understans thatthis life is not the end of human existence. And then I start going back over all those events when Claude came in from the garden. He stepped through the door, he removed his shoes on the stairs. Jane checked on him to make sure that he hung his hat and coat in the closet, and he would sit in his chair at the table, relaxed, relieved, completely at peace to be at home where he belonged. Dying is not unlike that. Claude has changed out of his dirty clothes, he has hung his hat in the closet, his shoes are at the back door, and he can enter through that door to the place he belongs.
He is home now.
